


throwing out your frown and just smiling at the sound

by stellarwobble



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Established Relationship, M/M, Post-Series
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-04-24
Updated: 2011-04-24
Packaged: 2017-10-18 14:58:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,638
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/190085
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stellarwobble/pseuds/stellarwobble
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Friendship, relationships and the stuff inbetween.</p>
            </blockquote>





	throwing out your frown and just smiling at the sound

John is always careful. After all these years it’s second nature, something he does without thinking and never lets himself forget. They never talk about it, there’s no need to.

Obtaining permission to take Atlantis back to the Pegasus takes months. John spends days and days in Pentagon meetings, the mirror showing him a Colonel in dress uniform every morning. Once, in between meetings, Woolsey takes his glasses off to rub at his eyes and he looks tired and a little desperate and John feels like a shaking kid on the inside. General O’Neill pretty much lays his career on the line for them. The IOA starts bitching about funding and he’s sure both Rodney and Radek sign away the rights to a patent or two, but no-one will tell him.

The first few weeks after they get back John keeps waking from dreams in which they’re stuck on earth forever. He leaves his room in the early hours of the morning to stand on one of the balconies and watch the ocean.

It’s still summer on the mainland when John takes a group of marines over in a jumper to help the Athosians raise a barn. It’s hard work and after a couple of hours his t-shirt is sweat-soaked and he’s pretty much lost track of the construction, just moving from one task to the next as Kanaan’s sister calls out instructions in her calm, clear voice.

They pause to drink, marines and Athosians all jumbled as they pass the big pitchers with cold water. Everyone’s too tired to talk and John can feel the muscles in his arms burn from all the lifting. The trees around the field look almost like pine trees, but they smell different in the sunlight.

John leans back on his elbows in the grass watching the men drink and the kids run around. Mike’s sitting to his left, close enough to touch and for a second John’s almost afraid that he’ll do it. He can sort of see himself reaching out, just to touch Mike’s shoulder. He doesn’t, of course, just looks without looking as Mike takes a drink and leans over to pass the water to someone else. Mike’s been biting his nails again and for some reason it hurts a little inside John to know that sort of thing. It means they’re probably a little more to each other than he’s been telling himself. It means they’re something he could screw up.

When they have finished for the day the evening is dark and warm around them and there's a fire by the river outside the village and sweet-tasting wine in the pitchers. John doesn't drink a lot, but he's tired and the wine is strong and suddenly he's watching as the older kids dance with a smile on his face. He feels light, like he could fly away and he looks at his hands and thinks of how his dad would have said that the wine they're having tastes foul and there's no pain at the thought. Not a lot anyway.

John leaves the men by the river to go check on the jumper and check in with Atlantis. Sgt Campbell tells him everything is OK, they had some sort of spore crisis in Botany "but major Lorne's dealt with it, sir."

He stands outside the jumper and just looks at the night sky. Two moons, and the sky is a different shade of blue, as well. Probably something about the atmosphere, Rodney will know. John knows that he's on alien soil and he also knows he's home.

It doesn't take long for Mike to find him. He's spilled some wine on his t-shirt and when he's close like this John can smell the sweetness of it.

"Hey, you OK?"

"Yeah, just." John points towards the moons and gets a quiet laugh in answer.

"Dork." But Mike's voice is fond and his hand is warm on John's neck. They kiss in the dark, slow and fumbling. Touching just to touch. Mike runs his hand through John's hair and John can't help smiling into his neck.

They break apart and John takes a long time to let go, fists his hand in Mike's t-shirt and tries to stop smiling. There's a noise somewhere, something tickling at John's brain but then Mike suddenly takes his hand, just tangling their fingers before letting go just as quick. It's strange, how a touch like that can almost mean more than kissing, John thinks.

They round up the men and say goodnight to the Athosians. John doesn't start worrying until two days later.

 

#

 

"Uh, hey Rodney."

Rodney nearly tips his coffee over the laptop. John's been weird for a few days but he should know not to sneak up on people like that. Ok, maybe he was a little distracted, but it's ... huh, almost two am, so he can be forgiven for not being all that alert.

"What?"

"I." John rubs at his neck and looks longingly at the door. "Uh, nothing. Shouldn't you be in bed?"

"I'm trying to bring the automatic flame-throwers the ancients had in the Botany lab back on line." John's eyes go wide at that.

"Automatic. Flame. Throwers."

"Yes? I've had it with spores. What?"

"Nothing. Just." John turns to leave and then he turns towards Rodney again and he looks tense and tired all over again like he did when they were back on earth.

"John, is anything wrong?"

"No." It comes so quickly, John must have said it without thinking. He looks at a point over Rodney's right shoulder. "I, I think I screwed up. I think someone saw us."

"Saw what?"

"I. When we were on the mainland last week. We. I kissed Mike by the jumper and I think someone saw us." He says the last words in a rush like he wants to get it out before he can change his mind.

"Oh." John won't look at him but at least he doesn't run away. Rodney doesn't really know what he feels. Relief, mostly, because on Atlantis I screwed up can mean a lot of things, many of which involve explosions and this really doesn't sound as catastrophic as John seems to think it is. It is somewhat puzzling, though, because ...

"Mike?"

John sits down heavily at Miko's workstation and puts his head in his hands. "Captain Williams."

"Oh. Um, the red-headed guy, right?"

John looks up and a ghost of a smile flits across his face. "No, he's." He waves his hand about in a way that tells Rodney absolutely nothing. "He was on Lorne's team last year when Edwards broke his arm. Now he's on team four."

So that's the guy. He's first wave, of course, and he's always reminded Rodney of Teal'c.

"Ah, him. He, um, he was there last year, right? When ..." When I nearly died and you brought me to a wraith-infested shrine and helped Jennifer drill into my skull.

"Yeah." John looks even more uncomfortable and Rodney can't blame him. They never talk about that.

"And you." He wants to ask if John's in love with this guy, but he doesn't have the words for stuff like that. "He means a lot to you."

John rubs at his neck and smiles shyly at something on the floor. "Um, I guess. It's been three years, so ..."

Three years. That means. "When we were on earth last time." John nods. "You were at the SGC together." Another nod.

"I wasn't his commanding officer there." John says it so earnestly, like it means a lot, like it's something he's had to remind himself of time after time and ... wait a moment!

"Three years!" John winces. It's possible he's shouting a little but Rodney doesn't care. "You. I don't believe you. You keep pulling stupid, suicidal stunts and all this time there's someone you ..." And he's stuck there, thinking of John missing for twelve days, John ready to crash a jumper into the control tower. The cold feeling inside all the times he's thought that John might not make it.

"Mike's a soldier. He knows." Like it's something simple.

"You didn't tell me." It comes out whiny, but Rodney's too tired to pretend he's not a very selfish guy.

John swallows before he looks at Rodney. "I kept thinking it wouldn't last."

Rodney's suddenly so, so tired. Talking about feelings and stuff usually has that effect on him. And finding a problem to solve (preferably not involving feelings) is a good way to counter it.

"You said someone saw you." John looks so relieved at the change in topic that it's almost comical. He nods.

Rodney wants to tell John that everything will be alright, that he can fix it, but he can't see how. "If anyone tries to send anything in the databurst, I'll find it. If it doesn't reach the SGC, they can't do anything, right?" It doesn't feel enough. "You tell, ah, Mike not to worry."

John's still tense but he smiles and looks very young for a second. "Thanks, Rodney. But if things go down I'll deal with it myself."

Of course you will, Rodney thinks. That's just it, the way you're always ready to sacrifice yourself. Like you don't matter, and I wonder who taught you to feel that way. But he's too tired to argue and he lets it go.

John reminds him that he's not as young as he used to be and tells him to get to bed. Rodney stays a while, just to prove him wrong. But he really is kind of tired and he keeps thinking of what John told him. It seems like his world should have shifted a little with the knowledge, but he feels just the same. He's starting to doubt the feasibility of automatic flame-throwers, though.

 

End

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the 2009 sga_santa madness using one of friendshipper's prompts. Title from _Friday I'm in love_ by the Cure.


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